My mother’s worried about me.

She thinks that, because I have nobody in my life, I focus all of my energies on hating people — people like my brother-in-law and the “incompetent” women at work. (The quote marks are her’s, not mine.)

The thing is, it’s not like I want to waste my energies on hating people.

Trust me — I see a therapist about it and talk endlessly about it.

Today, we went out to lunch to celebrate my mother’s birthday.

I haven’t spoken to my brother-in-law since he decided to conference call me just to yell at me.

My sister was uneasy and tried to make conversation, but I only answered in one-word answers, avoiding eye contact with my brother-in-law.

I don’t know why my sister does this, but she later called me up to report back on the shit my brother-in-law had said in the car when they drove home, afterwards.

Sometimes, I think ignorance is bliss.

I’d rather not know because knowing just makes you feel even angrier and more resentful.

Anyways, my brother-in-law thinks I’m a cold, bitter cow (his words) who was “so rude” for giving him the silent treatment.

He thinks I’m being childish.

You know what I hate about this prick?

He always gets his way.

He’s used to getting his way.

He bitches and moans and complains loud enough that things always go his way in the end.

It makes me feel so fucking mad — it’s that whole, “it’s no fair” mentality kicking in.

Whoever said life was fair, though, right?

You know, I get that it seemed childish to give him the cold shoulder and silent treatment, but honestly, I had nothing to say to him. And I fully realize that telling my parents that I’d need an apology from him — in person and not through text message from my sister claiming he apologized — was what it’d take to forgive him…well, I know that’s not happening.

I wish I was a bigger person but I sort of want to punish him in some way.

I don’t suffer fools gladly and I know that my mom often chides me for being harsh and unforgiving — and she sees as a byproduct of not having a loving relationship in my life.

Is it really, though?

Okay, everybody can agree it’s rude to go to lunch with someone and have them text messaging the whole time and basically ignoring you?

So here’s the deal — there’s this annoying woman at work. Couldn’t stand her from the start ’cause she’s super-hyper, acts like every small thing is an emergency or a battle, and also because when she was hired, it was super clear her super high opinion of her skills and qualifications were based on nothing.

The worst part about this woman is that people around her constantly praise her — like, she’s a spoiled kid who needs to be constantly reassured.

I think most of you know me well enough to know that, if she was reporting to me, I would have fired her a long time ago.

Here’s another reason I don’t like her: like me, she’s also single.

She thinks this makes us in the same boat.

Let’s make one thing very clear: we’d never be in the same boat, ’cause I’d probably jump into the water and start swimming to the shore.

Anyways, Annoying Hyper Spaz was at my office the other day with a couple of other women when she enthusiastically said, “Let’s go for lunch, guys! We haven’t done lunch together in so long.”

So, we went to lunch — and she proceeded to spend the bulk of the time text messaging back and forth with this guy who’s “just a friend” but who we all know she’s secretly in love with even though he sees them as “just friends” and is always encouraging her to do the online dating thing while he himself is torn between going back to his ex-girlfriend.

I guess the thing that continually boggles my mind is how, other people — even grossly unhealthy annoying hyper spazzes — can manage to find pseudo romance in their lives…even when it’s doomed and there’s the risk of having your heart broken.

I mean, didn’t someone say it was better to have loved than never to have loved at all?

Okay…

One more complaint that’s totally unrelated to this whole post: eHarmony automatically renews your subscription whether you want it or not. I cancelled it, but I was puzzled: why is that shit even allowed? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Shouldn’t they e-mail you to remind you to renew it?

Stupid shitty online dating service. I hate them.

Yes, I’m in a bad mood today. What else is new?

The senior vice president of my division is a crazy flake — like, the sort of person who’ll spend thousands of dollars hiring a consultant to teach employees how to “focus” and meditate. And then, when people don’t do those things they’ve been “taught” to do by this consultant, then she’ll throw a huge corporate event (wasting even more countless thousands of dollars by hiring an event planner she’s absolutely besotted with) where employees are bombarded with scientific “facts” about how we can benefit from these “focused breathing exercises” we’ve been taught to do.

Each person was even outfitted with a little device where you can hook yourself up to a heart monitor — trust me. I know how insane this sounds, but I swear, I’m not making it up. The point of the heart monitor is to help you learn how to shift your thoughts and focus so that your heart isn’t racing the way it does when you’re stressed.

Anyways, there’s this event planner that she continually hires for all these events.

This woman does nothing.

She’s basically brought into delegate stuff that the staff already knows to do — the mere fact that our SVP feels like it’s worth thousands of dollars to have someone come in and say, “Ecrivain, remember to e-mail that document that you drafted to the printer and then go pick it up from the printer” is an insult and a maddening waste of money.

But, the SVP loves the event planner, so the event planner is here to stay.

There’s a clique of female management that’s formed — one I’m definitely not a part of. They all idolize the event planner.

When the event planner showed up wearing leather pants one day, the director and the SVP raved about it and then both immediately went out to buy the same pair of pants.

I have now dubbed them “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.”

The director is especially infuriating.

She can’t handle more than one thing at a time, doesn’t delegate to her team, and isn’t assertive or decisive — all important qualities in a leader.

I don’t lead my team with an iron fist or anything, but I’m very firm and very fair.

I had this one guy who’d gotten a little too used to getting away with doing nothing. Because his work is slightly more technical and the former manager didn’t understand it (and because he was a little bit afraid of this guy…mainly ’cause he looks like a creepy serial killer who’ll one day go postal and probably kill us all), Creepy Serial Killer got used to not explaining things and giving vague answers about how “it’s not possible to do that” or “I’m soooo busy” or “I’ll have to look into that.”

I quickly saw how, while he was quick to say things weren’t possible, he never suggested alternatives.

I fired his ass really quick after being openly fair and asking him, “Make me understand why that’s going to take so long” or “explain to me how much time that’s going to take” or “Offer me another solution. If you can’t do something, then tell me what’s another alternative.” I always made sure I asked him this sort of stuff in front of other people.

Before I became his boss, he once disdainfully and proudly said that he was sure this one female executive (who was fired — probably because she dared to attempt to cut dead weight) hated him was because he “dared to be insubordinate.”

Unlike my former boss, I don’t think of my colleagues as friends and buddies that I should protect and help at all costs. If you’re dead weight, I’m cutting you loose and setting you off on an ice floe.

Anyways, this director and I have a mutual project — my project is drawing to a close. (On time and superbly written, if I might add.)

Guess what? She’s now trying to get the SVP to scale back the production of our mutual project ’cause she doesn’t have enough time to work on it.

WTF!

Basically, she can’t delegate or work on more than one thing at once, so she’s whining to the SVP, “Oh, let’s not do a big print run of this. I don’t have the time for this.”

I was livid. A lot of hard work, hours and hours of interviews, endless drafts of this manuscript and editing went into this project…and now, I’m thinking, “For what?”

I know things are going to go the director’s way ’cause she and the SVP belong in the “Sisterhood.”

It makes me feel like I’m back in high school and it’s like, “Forget about hardwork. Be an incompetent, airhead ditz who pathetically copies the Event Planner on everything she does! That’s all you need to do to keep your job.”

What’s more is…I hate to say this, but the top female executives…they suck. They’re an embarrassment to all women who aspire to become CEOs, CFOs, VPs.

Like, the only executives I respect and work well with are the men. Why is that? Why is it that I have to deal with cliques and petty jealousies and flakey behaviour when dealing with top female executives in this company?

My sister loves a controlling, quick-to-anger, do-nothing, bullying whiner.

Sure, they often have explosive fights over the smallest things — i.e. he once thought she hung up on him without saying good bye, so he called back right away just to yell at her. She, in turn, handled him the way she increasingly handles him — like a temperamental child who needs to be calmed down.

I’m sure my sister thinks I’m just saying this — and that I’m secretly jealous of the fact that she has someone to share her life with while I don’t — but my sister’s relationship makes me glad I’m single.

I’d rather be single than be in a relationship with a fucking hothead like my brother-in-law.

My relationship with my brother-in-law has been rocky from the start.

When he first started dating my sister, I took an instant dislike to him. I didn’t even know anything about his anger management issues at the time — I just didn’t like his face.

My mother actually had the gall to suggest that I was jealous of the fact that my younger sister was in a relationship — that’s why I was continually harping on his every perceived flaw, she said.

She thought I was childish the way I’d look right through him and wouldn’t even bother acknowledging his presence whenever he stopped by the house.

When he’d say hi, I’d act like I didn’t hear anything.

The years passed — my devoted sister signed onto a lifetime with Crazy Psycho Hothead and I thawed ever so slightly. What choice did I have?

Then, the incident happened.

I won’t get into details. I’ll just say this: I was fucking doing this guy a favour and when he failed to understand this and chose to jump to conclusions instead and label me an evil witch who was deliberately trying to sabotage him, I felt the hatred just come right back.

He actually chose to conference call me and my sister while he was driving them home from a weekend away — just so he could accuse me of lying and botching things up for him, even though what I did — I didn’t have to do for him. I did it as a favour to him and my sister.

He wouldn’t let me speak — he kept interrupting me and talking down to me in a condescending tone.

And then? Then, when he finally realized that he’d jumped to conclusions and that, in reality, I had done him a huge favour, he didn’t bother apologizing.

My sister apologized to me on his behalf — to which I said, “I will hate him until the day one of us takes their last breath.”

She said I was being overly dramatic and extreme.

But you know what? She chooses to ignore his psycho behavior because she loves him. (God knows why. I didn’t bother giving her a long, tortured speech about what I think about him. In a few sparse words, I said he was a psycho with anger management issues who needed to go see a fucking psychiatrist. That, and the fact that I would hate him until the day he died.)

I choose not to accept his psycho tendencies.

Just as she can’t help falling in love with him, I can’t help falling in deep, deep hate with him.

“At a certain point, one wants it all to stop, and just to settle down and be boring and normal,” author, John Bowe, says in a NY Times piece that ran the other day. “And that’s absolutely who I’ve become now.”

Is that what happens to those of us who’ve waited and waited and waited for love to arrive only to find ourselves still waiting?

Could we even be said to be truly “waiting” anymore?

At some point, don’t you just sort of give up?

The years start passing you by and everybody else in your life seems to have paired off and you — despite some attempts to find somebody of your own — still find yourself on your own…and the more time passes, the more settled you become in the reality of how your life is.

You stop being so anxious and miserable about being alone ’cause that’s all you’ve ever known and you figure: I have a choice to be pissed off and depressed about it — a real miserable cow — or I could choose not to think about it and just focus my energies on the stuff that I can control.

Maybe that’s why I haven’t updated as much — I’m trying not to whine as much about the way things still are. And quite honestly, are any of you really interested in the fact that I had brunch on my own this morning, opting to stare into space instead of using the usual cover of a book or a newspaper.

It’s become a routine, of sorts, to have brunch at either Victoria’s at the King Edward Hotel or at the Courtyard Cafe at the Windsor Arms — it was a little weird eating on my own, but there are other regulars that you see from time to time.

When I was still in college, I once worked for an impossibly proper doctor from England who had never married and who didn’t seem to have any real friends. One of the other admin assistants noticed him having brunch at the King Edward and said that this was his routine — and somehow, that became one of his weird peculiarities.

I’ve noticed that, when you’re single, it’s easy to fall into two categories:
1. You’re seen as a loser.
2. You’re seen as a quirky weirdo.

I have no idea how my colleagues view me.

Anyways…in other news: I’ve decided to stop using eHarmony. I think it was a waste of money.

I almost feel like, 90% of the time, eHarmony made up profiles to send me — you know, guys who never had pictures posted and with barely filled out profiles and who would never even click on my profile to check it out.

I think it’s part of their scam to make me believe that I’m actually being introduced to guys…when the reality is, in the virtual world and in the real world, I’ve just always had the lousiest luck when it comes to meeting guys.

One of my friends tried to talk me out of it. How else am I supposed to meet someone, she asked?

I know she sees it as me throwing in the towel, “giving up.”

Is it really giving up or is it just facing up to the truth?

I was in the office on New Year’s Eve — of course I’d be. Where else would I be? I even stayed long past when I told the few people in that day to just go home and be with their friends and family.

I stayed in my office — and because I was alone and couldn’t get caught for it, I opened a bottle of bubbly that I’d picked up earlier in the week and then closed the door, even though I’m pretty sure most of the office was deserted by then and nobody would be swinging by.

I imagined the pimply guy at the cash register thinking that I was taking this to a New Year’s Eve party or something. I like to imagine that other people think that I have some sort of social life.

On that day — and even now, whenever I bump into people at work that I haven’t seen since the first day back — I’m asked, “How were your holidays? What did you do?”

I lie now. I keep it simple — thus, making it easier to remember the lie.

Over on eHarmony, a guy I was not-so-interested in contacted me. Out of boredom, I started to reply, but then he asked the question, “What are your thoughts on sex?”

It was one of those multiple-choice answers where the options, if my memory serves me, were along the lines of:
- It’s never okay unless you’re married
- Only if you’re in an exclusive, loving relationship
- I’m okay with casual sex

That turned me off right then and there — mostly because, wow, I’m turning 32 this year and I’m still a virgin!

Most days, it doesn’t bother me because, contrary to what other people think about virgins, we don’t wake up every day and think about how we’ve never had sex and how we’re totally missing out.

But…every once in awhile, it creeps into my consciousness and it worries me because it’s one thing to be single and just have really shitty luck in terms of finding someone you want to be with. It’s another thing to really try and put yourself out there online — have little to no success — and wonder at the back of your mind what the guy’s going to think when he finds out you’re a virgin…because, that seems like a handicap of some sort in the dating world these days.

It’s like, “Oh my God! You haven’t lost it yet?!”

Anyways, that sort of got in my head and that’s the main reason I stopped communicating with him, which I guess makes me sound like an incredible coward.

My therapist says I have self-esteem issues when it comes to dating and relationships — which made me roll my eyes and go, “Duh” when I heard that. I’m not a therapist but even I could have told you that!

I was watching the Biggest Loser the other day and one of the contestants is 30 and she was crying when she said, “I’m 30 and I’ve never had a boyfriend.”

I was slouched in front of the TV with a glass of wine and I sort of held it up in a toast to her and said out loud, “You and me both, sister.” But then I realized I was actually 31 and that was like a slap in the face.

It’s one thing if you’re in your thirties and actually dating and having sex — that seems normal, somehow. But me? It’s like I have this secret life that nobody at work knows about. I’m a thirtysomething woman who’s never had a boyfriend and never had sex.

Wow.

Just writing that down sort of takes my breath away all over again.

Anyways, it just makes me wonder how people see me at work.

Again, I suspect most people think I’m a lesbian just because of the super short hair (really — can’t a girl have short hair just because it’s easier to deal with? Why does that mean I’m a lesbian?), the boring, borderline ugly clothes, and the harsh way I speak to people sometimes. (So, sue me. Diplomacy isn’t my strong suit.)

The other day, I wound up heading to a meeting with one of my staff members and she remarked that last year seemed depressing — she, like me, is single. She’s only a few years younger than me.

She’s a sweet kid, but incredibly naive.

She told me that one of her resolutions was to get herself a man this year. Somehow, I doubt it’ll be all that difficult for her. One of the guys in another department has been hanging all over her — this in spite of the fact that he’s in a relationship. (Because he doesn’t report to me, I can’t call him into my office and give him the whole, “Keep your work life and your home life separate” speech.)

Anyways…

Here’s to hoping 2010 is going to be better. (To my therapist: this is me being positive!) In the meantime, lying will be easier.

For those of you who have migrated with me over my various blog incarnations, you may or may not have made a pit stop at my other journal My Gal Friday.

Anyways…

Today, I got two e-mails.

One was from an anonymous commenter who wrote, “Who the HELL are you? No wonder you’re single!”

The other one was from Cindy Chupack, one of the writers of “Sex and the City” — and the person who penned my favourite episode of all time of “Sex and the City” (Plus One is the Loneliest Number).

I won’t copy and paste what she wrote there (you can click on the link above if you want to read it…and trust me, you’ll want to save yourself the bother of reading through that journal because, sadly enough, nothing has changed in the last two years. I’m still single and I’m still writing about the same things over and over again) but I have to admit — as much as I love all of you guys for taking the time to leave comments here, it meant something else entirely to know that the woman who wrote that episode of “Sex and the City” actually read that blog (which I’m a little ashamed to admit is more of the same drivel you read here).

I’m sort of left feeling like…”Wow.”

So…because I’m single, people automatically think that I couldn’t possibly have any plans over the holidays and that’s why I should be the manager that stays behind in the office during these two weeks leading up to Christmas and New Year’s.

So, I treated everybody to lunch at a fancy restaurant today and then sent everybody home early every day and told them if they wanted to “work from home,” I didn’t really give a shit.

This is how I’m the manager everybody wants to work with. Yes, I can be a hard ass, but it’s usually for the sake of efficiency and doing what’s right.

But anyways…

Okay, so technically, it’s true — the part about not having any plans over the holidays.

I have no plans. Nowhere to be, nowhere to go. My sister, the newlywed, has parties galore and the rest of us are on standby, waiting to see when she’s available.

Me?

I’ll probably head home to have dinner with the parents — but that’s really no different from any other day of the year.

The other day, I logged online to eHarmony.

My year’s subscription is up. Do I want to extend it for another year?

I’ve been on a grand total of two dates through eHarmony in 2009.

I don’t know if this is indicative of shitty service or that I’m just too picky for my own good.

So…the question is this: do I extend it for another year and hope for the best or do I throw in the towel and cry “uncle” to the universe and call it quits?

If I’m not on eHarmony, my chances of meeting someone go down from 0.0000000001% to exactly nil. So…where does that really leave me?

In other news, I’ve started seeing the therapist again. Nay, correction: a new therapist.

We’ll see how that goes.

I can’t say that I’m unhappy or anything like that…but I do feel like something’s missing from my life. I can’t say it’s a person, though because I’m not sure if anything could fill the void in my life right now.

Here’s to hoping, though.

I wonder if it’s the holidays — or rather, the upcoming holiday season — that’s doing this.

I’m supposed to have dinner with my parents and my sister and her husband later tonight.

I’ve been pretty listless this afternoon, just holed up in my apartment and listening to Elton John’s “I Want Love” over and over again.

There’s this one part where he sings, “I want love but it’s impossible…a man like me is dead in places. I can’t love…don’t feel nothing, I just feel cold. Don’t feel nothing — just old scars toughening around my heart.”

Yup.

That’s how I feel.

When you’re feeling shitty, it’s easy to trick yourself into believing you’re the only one out there who feels the way you do. But you aren’t. We’re all feeling lonely alone. That’s the nature of the feeling.

Anyways, I’ve brought this up before, but there was an interview I once read on Tim Gunn where he talks about how he’s “so resigned” to his singleness and how he thinks he’s a “new soul” and that he doesn’t think love’s in the works for him — not in this lifetime, anyway.

More and more, that’s how I feel.

But, the concept of being a “new soul” sort of doesn’t sit with me. I think the idea of that great love that continually finds you throughout the ages is romantic — but I shudder at the notion of living several lifetimes, being born and having to do all of this shit again.

Do you think mothers are just programmed to continue hoping long past the point where you’ve stopped?

Reading the weddings column in the Washington Post is quickly becoming just one of those things that I do — even though, I’m sort of slipping back to my old way of feeling and thinking about me and relationships. (In that, there probably won’t ever be one for me. Just looking at cold hard facts here.)

Anyways, in today’s column, the bride said, “It’s like my mom always said, ‘You’ll never expect it. It’ll just happen, whenever God knows you’re ready.’”

My mom continues to say things like, “When you get married…” and “Don’t worry. You’ll find someone. You will get married.”

It used to irritate me.

Now, a part of me just pities her.

How long do you hang onto hope when all of the signs just say, “Give up”?

I mean, for those of you who write blogs and who are in the same boat as me — we all know what it’s like to feel like nothing ever changes and we’re just writing the same tortured thing over and over again.

My mother counsels patience, but when you’ve been waiting for your whole life and for whatever reason, you’re not the girl that guys notice and drum up the nerve to ask out or when you’re the one who gets rejected when you do take a risk and try to pursue someone or sign up for online dating and it’s just not happening…then maybe that’s like a sign from a universe you know? Ain’t no clearer sign than deafening silence.

I was reading this book awhile ago about these young women in the sixteenth century who were forced to become nuns — and some of those women were simply forced to become brides of Christ because they “failed” to become brides of real, flesh-and-blood men.

If I was living in the sixteenth century, I’d be locked in a convent right now — that much, I know for sure.

In some ways, the simple, celibate little life that I currently lead now isn’t so different from an unwilling nun’s.

I wouldn’t dare to admit this out loud to anyone — mostly because, the way my life has become, there’s nobody to actually confide this to — but I sort of feel like a little spark and life has leaked out of me. People at work think I’ve mellowed, but it just sort of feels like the depression is returning again.

Depression seems to be the only constant, faithful companion who returns again and again, vowing to never desert me.