Like this:

Here’s one for the jealousy files: the moronic bimbo that was hired as an assistant because she’s the manager’s best friend, received six pink roses today, delivered to the office, from her newly-minted boyfriend.

The card simply read, “Just thinking of you.”

All the girls gathered around and “oohed” and “aahed” while I sat in my cubicle and tried to concentrate on the piling work on my desk.

I felt this sting of rejection — I felt like a loser…not just in the dating world, but in life.

Always the one left standing on the sidelines while this moronic bimbo was dating three different guys at once and has now narrowed it down to this stupid shmuck who sends her flowers at work.

She pretended to be embarrassed, loudly saying, “OH MY GOD! SO EMBARRASSING! HE SENT ME ROSES! SO HUMILIATING!!!”

She’s crass, clomps around like she owns the place, and gets paid to essentially give our manager unsolicited dating advice and talk endlessly about her oh-so-fabulous life (I’m being sarcastic).

I sort of really, totally hate her.

I know it’s really just jealous, but sometimes, I find myself thinking dark things — like how much I’d like to smash her knee caps with a baseball bat or throw my mug of hot coffee in her face.

Anyways…

In other news, I’ve joined the company’s “Fit and Fabulous” weight loss club.

Me and a bunch of other chunky monkeys get together every week to do a weigh-in and exchange dieting tips.

Recently though, this skinny girl joined. I think she has delusions of being Jillian Michaels or something because she’s been lecturing us on how it’s not just about dieting and how we need to get our fat asses onto treadmills. She’s trying to get us to all go to the gym together during lunch (there’s one near by and our company offers a corporate discount).

I think I might actually do it, though. Like, why not? Maybe losing some of this weight (and I have to be honest her: I’m not that overweight…but I could stand to lose some belly fat) will make me feel better.