Posted by: ecrivain | July 9, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust

Another person I know is set to walk down the aisle – yup, it’s official.

Is it just me or is there that slight edge of dread that comes when yet another person announces she’s engaged and the save-the-date announcement is made? Nevermind the fact that it’s a year away – if you’re single and have had the misfortune of being single for awhile – you can’t help thinking, “Will I be able to check off ‘plus one’ on the invite a year from now?”

I couldn’t help wondering if I looked as fake as I sounded as I plastered a smile on my face – so fake that it hurt my cheeks – and kept saying the same thing over and over, “Congratulations!”

I seriously didn’t know what else to say as she flashed the ring under my nose and happily relayed all of the little details of how he proposed.

Look, I’m not a completely heartless bitch.

Good for her, you know? The truth is, she’s not a really good friend or anything, so it’s not like when your sister or your best friend announces they’re engaged and you do the whole jumping up-and-down screaming thing. (But seriously, if and when that happens, a part of me can’t help but wonder if I’ll jump up-and-down and then, when I’m alone, bring a bottle of Vodka into my room and drink myself to sleep after crying a bit and wondering, “Why is it never me?”)

For me, it’s not even about having a wedding or getting married – it’d just be nice to have someone in my life that really cares about me, you know?

And don’t even start with the whole, “Yeah, but you have your family.”

Um, yeah. It’s not the same thing, and we all know it.

In the last little bit, I can’t help but wonder, is it really as simple as: because I don’t expect it to happen to me, it’s not going to?

You know how all those self-help books and even those articles in the Vows column talk about women who can picture their dream man and expect him to arrive? And then they do! Inevitably, these women wind up getting married.

If you’re negative and always go around saying, “Oh, I’ll never find someone”, then you won’t – or at least that’s what I’ve read in the self-help books.

But you know what? Trying to be positive and telling yourself over and over again that you’ll find the perfect, romantic love for you…well, it doesn’t really work. Or maybe I just gave up too soon on the attempt at positive brainwashing. In my defense, though, spending more than a year writing down affirmations and telling myself that I’m going to find a stable, loving and romantic relationship has amounted to…nada.

Or did I just give up too soon?

Was all of my wishful thinking actually on the brink of coming true – but then, the minute I thought, “Aw, to hell with this bullshit! It’s never going to happen!” it just cancelled all of my hard work?

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Responses

  1. Eh…I think I’m just going to buy myself a ring! LOL

    But seriously, I do understand what you mean about wanting to have someone who cares. It would be nice to just have someone to hug at the end of a bad day. 😦 I don’t even care to have the wedding.

  2. Back in the day, I went out with all my friends when one of us got engaged. I told them I’ll bet any of you $50 that by the time the wedding comes around next year I won’t have a date. They said, oh shut up, you don’t know what’ll happen in a year. Looking back, though, I wonder if they didn’t take me up on that bet for a reason.

    Another one still owes me 50 bucks for losing her virginity before me. Man, Looking back I could’ve made so much buck if I just kept betting against myself.

  3. in my case i honestly think i’m running outta friends who are getting married simply ‘coz practically everyone i know is already married. what’s next? baby showers? *shudder*

    it kinda hit home for me when you said bout yeah you have your family but it’s not the same. i feel the same way too. and in my more negative moments i sometimes wonder if maybe i had too good of a family life and that’s why i’m screwed up. i mean you hear stories bout people who had unhappy families and then finding that special person where suddenly it seemed like God made it up to ’em or whatever.

  4. Jo — Exactly! I wonder that, sometimes, too. It’s like, I have a really great family that I’m close to and I’ve got a great job and I’m successful…so does that mean this is all I get out of life?


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