Posted by: ecrivain | July 11, 2008

Mom Weighs In…

She was in one of her moods — you know, where she tells me how to live my life because it seems like I’m doing such a piss poor job of doing it myself.

When I mentioned how I hadn’t heard from a certain friend in months, mom asked, “So, why didn’t you call her?”

“Why should I?” I shot back angrily. “It’s always me. I’m always the one chasing after people to hang out with me. Do you know that makes me feel? Like some loser who has to try and convince people to hang out with me all of the time. If they can’t be bothered to pick up the fucking phone or shoot me an e-mail every now and again, then why should I bother wasting any more of my time? I’m so sick of this shit.”

I don’t think she expected the level of anger that came out of me, but she still said, “Yeah, well, you’re never going to have any friends if you keep that up.”

She just doesn’t get it, you know? It’s like, “Thanks for reminding me that my so-called friends can’t be bothered to think of me at all and that I should be the one continually chasing after them to hang out with me so that you won’t have to feel bad about seeing me stuck at home all of the time.”

That’s what it really is in the end, you know?

She sees me at home all the time and she thinks, “Why isn’t my daughter dating someone? Why isn’t she planning a wedding or buying a house or starting a family the way the daughters of my friends are doing? Why is mine always by herself?”

Yesterday, I plugged in my favourite “Sex and the City” episode where Carrie turns 35 and nobody shows up for her birthday dinner.

It starts off with the girls going to an engagement party and Carrie asks Miranda, “Do you think couples ever look at us and wish they were like us?”

Miranda stops walking and says, “No, they don’t. We make them feel uncomfortable and they don’t know what to say.”

And that, my friends, is the truth.

People who are in relationships look at us single folk and they tell us stupid shit like, “Don’t worry, you’ll find someone” to make us feel better, but the reality is, they tell us this lie because it’s easier to fill in the space of silence with those pat words.

Anyways, mom’s words bugged me more than I was willing to admit out loud and dutifully, this morning, I e-mailed a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time and asked if she wanted to meet up for dinner — after all, she was always asking, “When are we going to meet up?”

I even suggested a day that was a few weeks down the road because I thought that’d be the safe route.

But, nope. There are endless engagement parties, family get-togethers, birthdays, weddings, baby showers and fun things to go to every single weekend.

What bugged me was how she said, “You’re going to kill me, but I can’t. I have a baby shower that weekend.”

Okay. Fine.

She didn’t even suggest another day to get together…and like a royal idiot, I threw out more days, to which she said, “No, those don’t work for me, either.”

Again, she didn’t bother suggesting any days that would be convenient for her — after all, it was painfully obvious who had the full social life and who didn’t.

Finally, I thought angrily, “See? This is why I don’t want to bother anymore.”

I’m just so tired from chasing after people to make plans to meet up for a simple drink or coffee.

I even remember one year, a friend gave me a Christmas present with a card that read, “Without you, my life wouldn’t have as many good memories.”

That’s right — it’s because I used to be the one who’d plan things and get everybody together that she could have memories.

But then, I stopped. I fell into a deep hole of depression that nobody seemed to notice or care enough to try and pull me out of (and in my deepest, darkest days, I actually angrily thought, “If killed myself, I hope all of them feel guilty and think they could have done something to stop me — and they would have been right.”).

And that’s when I stopped being the planner — because I was suffering through a severe bout of depression where I actually struggled to get out of bed and cried myself to sleep almost on a daily basis and thought endlessly about how life would be so much better if I didn’t have to breathe anymore. I was just so tired of everything and didn’t want to live anymore.

And did anybody notice? Did anybody care enough to just call or find out why they hadn’t heard from me in awhile?

No.

And then slowly, slowly, I started crawling out of that pit of depression and just got on with living because I didn’t have it in me to actually kill myself.

Most days now? I swing between feeling really, really bad and feeling nothing at all.

I can’t even begin to describe how much of a relief it is when I’m in my apathetic phases where I’m like an empty shell.

I know I write a lot about how lonely I am, but the fact is, I struggle with depression — which touches almost every other aspect of my life…not just the fact that I’m single.

Being alone just makes the depression even harder to deal with. That’s all.

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Responses

  1. omg… i think you’re me. i can absolutely totally relate to everything you’ve said here. i too feel like i’m always the one planning to get together with whatever little friends i have. and sometimes i get tired of it all so i just give up and don’t bother. but then i wind up sitting at home faced with my computer or the tv when sometimes all i wanna do is to get out, hang out with friends, live life or whatever it is that other people seem to do so well.

  2. The people-chasing aspect can be REALLY frustrating! I have always believed that it takes two to tango in every type of relationship. No friendship is a genuine one if one party is doing all the work while the other person is barely showing any interest.

    Even though I am currently married, I still go through phases during which I ask myself: apart from my wife, who are my friends? How often do we meet? How often do we TALK to each other? Is the chasing up pretty balanced?

    I am aware of the fact that my interests (including politics) might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I have many hobbies apart from discussing world events. I have often been told that I am a very caring person and that I have many nice qualities. I myself love being with other people. At this stage, I ask myself: if I have all these qualities, how come there are times when I feel neglected by most of the people that I consider to be friends? Is it because I cannot afford to go out every single weekend to some fancy place? Is it because I do not have an astonishing BMW? I really wonder why…

  3. It’s scary how much I can relate to this. I’ve often become frustrated because I am ALWAYS the one with nothing to do trying to plan my life around my friends’ busy social calendars. And, when I stop trying to make plans, it seems like nobody ever really calls me with something they want to do. It really does make me feel worthless.

    I’ve often said that since I live alone, if I ever died in my apartment that it would probably be a looong time until anyone noticed I was missing because people usually go weeks on end w/out talking to me and don’t think anything of it.

  4. Ah — the nightmare of dying alone and nobody noticing until the stench of your decaying flesh forces the neighbours to call the cops.

    This is fear that I’m all too familiar with.


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