Posted by: ecrivain | August 26, 2012

I was reading this book, recently, where the main character mused that she was quickly becoming one of “those” women — someone who either waited too long or settled too fast.

I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe I had rapidly passed my “best before date” and had now simply waited too long…or can it really be considered “waiting” when you’ve had zero luck meeting somebody, nevermind dating and being in a relationship?

I’ve been told by the people in my life over and over again that I could have been with somebody a long time ago if I’d chosen to settle. I really wonder if that’s true. I’ve tried settling before, but something in me stubbornly refused to do it — I used to think it was fear.

Even at the ripe old age of 34, my old school mother is still agreeing to set-ups on my behalf. She doesn’t even bother asking to see if I’m okay with it because the offers to set me up are far and few between. Who gets set up through their mothers anymore? Haven’t we all migrated over to online dating? At least there’s some semblance of control online.

What bothered me about it was that my mother didn’t even bother to find out anything about this man. I guess it was her own desperation showing — her fear that I was rapidly turning into a spinster — that bothered me.

Of course, she doesn’t know anything about the Married Man, either — not that there’s been much to report on lately.

I think back on how things slowly unfolded between us but how it hasn’t crossed over into sad, predictable, cliched territory because of my steadfast refusal to let it. I’m actually quite good at burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is innocent when I know in my gut that it isn’t.

I’ll admit, a part of me wonders if, because I’m a 34-year-old virgin who’s never been in a relationship, my fear has largely prevented me from doing anything with the Married Man. Maybe, this has less to do with integrity and more to do with fear.

The first time he asked me to grab a coffee with him, I told myself it was perfectly innocent even though there was a moment when he looked at me and I felt a flood of heat flood across my face. It was like my scalp was on fire. And then later, when I returned to my desk, an email popped up, thanking me for making it a great afternoon. The next day, randomly, he emailed me about something I had mentioned and I pictured him sitting in his corner office, thinking of some bullshit reason to email me.

When I tried to ignore him and put some distance between us, he’d continue to email if he hadn’t heard from me in a few days — and I’d lie to myself and tell myself that we were just two friendly colleagues, nothing more…that I wouldn’t ever let anything happen…and that’s the truth: I wouldn’t let anything happen because I’m too chicken-shit to let anything happen.

And yet, the fact that I wrote a polite response to brush off this guy that my mother wanted to set me up with just goes to show that maybe I’ve been lying to myself all along and that I’m way too emotionally involved with the Married Man and that, in some ways, that’s worse for someone like me.

Pathetically, I’ve laid awake at night, imagining what would happen if he left his wife and whether his children would ever like or accept me. And, trust me, I hate myself for even entertaining those thoughts because I know how pathetic it sounds.

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Responses

  1. even though i’ve been in a relationship for a few years now i still read your blog as much as i did when i was single. and honestly, coming from someone w/ a few relationships under her belt, being single isn’t all that bad. i have decided after my current bf and i break up i’m staying single forever. relationships really aren’t all they are cracked up to be and i’ve been finding myself pining to be single again. looking back on it, i’ve always had the most fun when i’ve been single. when i’m single and not interested in any guy at all is when i’m usually they happiest. i wish we could trade places right now. if we did, you would probably come out of it being happy you don’t have to deal with the bs i have to deal with lol

  2. Two of my cousins found their spouses through set ups by parents. I used to think it was a very bad idea, but I am actually open to it now and gave my mom the green light. She knows me better than anyone and understands how hard it is for some of us to meet new people.


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