Posted by: ecrivain | December 2, 2012

I didn’t realize that I haven’t posted here since August — though, I can’t honestly say that anything interesting has happened to me since then…okay, nothing positive has happened to me.

Oh. I have a new job. The Married Man and I are still in touch — but now it’s this weird thing where all we do is email each other. What is that? It’s certainly not a relationship. We had a conversation shortly after I left where we sort of tip-toed closer to the subject of us…but then quickly backed away because it was uncomfortable and I suspect we’re both ultimately very shy people.

The Married Man isn’t what I would have ever imagined myself falling for; he’s more than a little awkward; he’s not particularly attractive; and, to be honest, I can’t really put my finger on why I’m attracted to him.

But…nothing has happened.

What else is new?

I feel like I’m in a state of arrested development.

There’s this older woman at work I’ve become good friends with. She’s a single mother to a sickly teen who’s in and out of the hospital quite a bit. She hasn’t been in a relationship for years and admitted that when she was with her ex-husband, her lack of interest in sex was a major issue. He bailed shortly after their kid was born.

Her life has been nothing but a series of disappointments; she’s tried to change careers but her chosen career doesn’t have any available jobs; she’s the only one out of her siblings who helps out with her parents, who are both elderly and in ill-health; our jobs lately haven’t seemed particularly secure and the gossip-mill is running overtime.

I don’t know why, but when I think of my friend, I feel this sense of, “Life could always be worse.”

Isn’t that horrible?!

How has my weak semblance of “happiness” turned into a matter of comparing myself to others and thinking, “It could be worse”?

This whole weekend, I’ve felt depressed. I feel like a pathetic old maid.

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Responses

  1. Glad to hear you are still around. Happy Holidays. Hope things look up for you and your new friend. Perhaps it’s a good thing you are no longer working with married guy.

  2. I feel like I was trapped in the e-mail cycle as well. It’s so easy how we make something out of nothing. And then we wonder if we’re being too insecure because we’re doubting that it’s something because it -feels- like something.
    The holidays are the worst time to be single.


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