Posted by: ecrivain | January 29, 2013

I vowed up and down that I would never go back online. 

I was through with the disappointments, I told myself. 

Obviously, I was lying — as much to myself as I was to everyone else. 

What prompted the return trip online? 

The Married Man and I finally met up recently for lunch. It was the first time we were seeing each other in person since I left my old job. We’d been in constant contact this whole time. 

Don’t say it. I know it’s wrong. 

But you know what? It was different seeing him in person and seeing his wedding ring. That circular band had a weird power over me. I couldn’t stop staring at it. 

I didn’t know how it made me feel. 

For once, I was direct and forced him to talk about his family. It made him uncomfortable. When we parted ways, he hugged me for a beat too long. A series of emails followed. He asked if he could see me again. 

I felt really, really tired. 

I went back online the next day. 

Within a week, I had a date with a guy who was cute and age-appropriate. The date was fine — I mean, you don’t spend two hours with someone unless you’re having a somewhat decent time, right? And, yet, I kept thinking about the Married Man. 

I thought about him obsessively, actually. It made me really hate myself. 

I’ve stubbornly refused to email him. 

I haven’t heard from Cute Guy, either. 

A not-so-cute guy emailed me, though. His hair looks stupid. I know this is a stupid reason to want to reject someone — which is why I haven’t…yet. But I feel like I’m going through the motions. 

I’m so tired of this. 

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