Posted by: ecrivain | August 25, 2013

Maybe it’s time to brush off this blog and start posting again.

No. Not much has changed where the virgin status/relationship status is concerned.

Things have changed in the job front, though.

I changed jobs again. I’m happier where I am.

And that should mean something right?

I’ve got a great job that I can support myself in. And…without even really realizing it, that started to change who I was.

An older friend of mine — she’s in her sixties — commented the other day that when she first met me (we used to work together) she thought I was this really miserable, unhappy, sullen bitch. (Thanks!) But now, things are different.

I smile more. I seem lighter. I even dress better.

Hell — the gay men at my new job have actually started looking forward to seeing the outfits I pull together each day because they think I’m stylish.

Who would have thunk it?

But, here’s the thing: I think I’ve only gotten better at pretending I’m okay.

I never pretend I’m happy. Never that.

I don’t try and keep up with the younger women at work, updating everybody in nauseating detail about what I did on the weekends or after work.

The truth is, my life isn’t much changed from before — I still have very few friends. I’m still alone. And I’m still lonely.

Tonight — Saturday night — I’m feeling especially lonely.

Things with the Married Guy didn’t end well — as in, nothing ever really happened. Maybe I imagined all the flirtation. Maybe I read too much in his emails and our lunch dates.

I signed up again with eHarmony back in February. I went on a few dates — but then things petered out. The guys I contacted never responded. The one guy I made it to date #2 with never called again. And now…barely anybody looks at my profile.

It’s a kick to the ego.

There’s a guy at work who is like my work husband. Even though he’s married with a kid, I suspect he’s gay. We balance each other out and it’s easy to talk to him…and, for the first time in my life, I haven’t fallen into that trap of believing that I have feelings for someone just because he’s shown me a bit of kindness.

I don’t know…

I’m in a weird place tonight.

I sort of feel like I’ve moved past depression and just accepted the way things are.



  1. Glad to hear things are better on the job front. I too have a gay guy friend at work who is fascinated by my style. I’ve been feeling especially lonely myself lately and am also in a weird place in my life.

    Last year, I paid for Match for six months, got only one date out of it and barely any messages. The guys I messaged did not write back and after the first two weeks people stopped looking at my profile altogether. The few guys who did message me were usually old enough to be my dad or a little too odd (and I try to keep an open mind). I felt like such an ugly loser after a while — so it seemed better to drop off online dating completely, considering it a waste of money.

    • I feel like I go through these cycles where, I attempt to do online dating and then I never hear back from men I’m interested in or get contacting by guys I’m NOT interested in. So, I swear off online dating for awhile…but then I get lonely and feel shitty about myself, so I return online.

      It’s a vicious cycle.

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