Posted by: ecrivain | September 10, 2013

So…yet another person I know (not exactly a friend, though someone I’ve occasionally hung out with simply because we’re both single and we used to work together and that seems to be enough to call each other “friends” even though we don’t hang out regularly at all) is now dating someone.

I should be happy for her, right?

After all, she’s 36, also a virgin, and has had zero luck in the romance department. Her first boyfriend was a guy she met online last year — and they only met twice in person, conducting their romance largely online.

This second guy…

Well, I remember a few weeks ago, we met for drinks at this completely shitty dive bar and we were sort of doing the usual bitch fest about how shitty it is being single — and then she mentioned this guy that she had met through a mutual friend. She stressed how uninterested she was in him because he was…well, he was fat and he was ugly.

Mind you, she’s no beauty queen, either.

I don’t say this to be mean, but I want to paint a clear picture of her for you to keep in mind.

This friend is big, herself, and has thinning hair, bad skin, and is riddled with anxiety and depression issues. She’s the first to dispense advice on things she couldn’t possibly know anything about. Too often, she’s riding around on her high horse, judging and acting like she’s the Queen of All That Makes Sense.

At work, she was quite often nervous, spazzy, and childish. Even though I hated our boss, I still agreed with her decision to fire this friend.

All of that said, she’s got a good heart and I’ve always rooted for her to find happiness because I think that, underneath it all, I felt like her loneliness was different from mine. Where she’s fragile, I’m cold and hard.

Our loneliness has changed us in different ways.

So, imagine my surprise when a few weeks later, I learn through mutual friends that she’s dating this very guy she looked down on.

She had shown me his picture as if to say, “Look at how gross he is! Let’s make fun of him for thinking he could ever get together with someone like me.”

But I said nothing against the guy when I saw his picture because I actually thought they matched. He seemed to have the same sort of energy as her, you know? From what she described, he seemed to share the same interests. The only “problem” was that she seemed to think she was too good for him, looks-wise.

I had mentioned that there was a guy that I worked with that I had thought of setting her up with and when she saw his picture, she immediately perked up and eagerly urged me to set it up. (The guy wasn’t interested. He thought she wasn’t pretty enough for him.)

I don’t know.

I feel like I’ve sort of mellowed — or maybe resigned myself to my situation…and so, this doesn’t bother me as much as it once did. I sort of look at it as: well, she found someone…and it’s less about her finding someone as much as it is about me not finding anybody.

It doesn’t help when my other friends very reasonably tell me, “Well, would you want to date the guy she’s dating?”

No. But it’s like, she found someone who liked her enough to pursue her…nobody has ever thought I was worthy enough to pursue…and that brings on the pangs of angst and fear, making me wonder what’s wrong with me.

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Responses

  1. Well I think it’s often that those of us who aren’t pursued can look very different from the outside, as in we can seem confident, aloof, intimidating and capable-things men don’t seem to like despite saying otherwise. My sister is a good example, she can be as cold as ice, reduce some poor unsuspecting person to tears in mere moments, but when it comes to guys she’s helpless-she’ll move anywhere they want, drop everything for them and call upon them to do the simplest things. Now I’m soft and kind but I’d never, ever change myself for a guy or drop everything for one either-and I think they can sense that and rather than seeing it as a positive (she’s got direction and she can change a tire!) they see it as a negative (what’s she need me for?). Instead of seeing the positive of him being able to go do his hobbies without me bugging him on the phone every five seconds he takes it as a sign you’re just not that in to him. Not true at all. But what can you do?
    Vanessa

  2. “nobody has ever thought I was worthy enough to pursue”

    so you’re saying that in the time you were on online dating sites, no men every sent you messages? Not including the ‘let’s fuck’ messages because those are obviously stupid.

    But I find it hard to believe that ZERO decent men sent you a message at all. But like your friend who felt this guy was ‘beneath her’, you perceive any man who showed/shows interest in you as beneath you, and reject him.

    And so you stay alone.

    You’ve had options. You could have them tomorrow if you went back to online dating. You choose to be alone.

  3. I’ve always said that I’d rather be single than settle for what I don’t want, but I get the impression that your friend did the opposite. If she’s not attracted to the guy and not interested in him, can one really be happy for her? A relationship out of necessity is not healthy.

    I get approached by sketchy guys all the freaking time and it sucks. But I don’t want to give up and settle for the next jerk that comes my way, because I know I can do better.

    There is too much of a stigma placed on women being single. If that stigma weren’t there, single women would have an easier time being happy and living their lives.

  4. Nice to see you’re writing again.

    “But I said nothing against the guy when I saw his picture because I actually thought they matched. He seemed to have the same sort of energy as her, you know? From what she described, he seemed to share the same interests. The only “problem” was that she seemed to think she was too good for him, looks-wise.”

    Unsurprising. From what I’ve observed with other couples (supermarket, airport, etc.) seems that women tend to date men above them in looks. What do you think?


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