Posted by: ecrivain | September 29, 2013

So, if you’ve had zero luck, you should blame yourself

That’s basically what one commenter wrote to me several posts back.

Here’s what the commenter wrote:

“nobody has ever thought I was worthy enough to pursue”

so you’re saying that in the time you were on online dating sites, no men every sent you messages? Not including the ‘let’s fuck’ messages because those are obviously stupid.

But I find it hard to believe that ZERO decent men sent you a message at all. But like your friend who felt this guy was ‘beneath her’, you perceive any man who showed/shows interest in you as beneath you, and reject him.

And so you stay alone.

You’ve had options. You could have them tomorrow if you went back to online dating. You choose to be alone.

It’s been stewing in the back of my brain for awhile now. I chose not to respond to this person at first because I couldn’t be bothered to.

This is humiliating to admit, but with my current subscription to eHarmony, months have passed where not a single man has even bothered to look at my profile.

Yes, there have been men who have sent me messages — but how do you know they’re “decent”? I’m not perceiving that they’re “beneath me.” There are some men I’m not attracted to. Some people like their partners to have a little meat on their bones; others prefer those who are athletic-looking. What this commenter is saying is, “Oh, well you’re just looking down on everybody who contacts you. You think they’re beneath you and that’s why you’re rejecting them.”

No, that’s not the case. I’ve actually gone out with several of them — against my better judgment — because I wanted to prove to myself, and I suppose, to a lesser extent, people like this commenter — that I was open-minded enough to give people a chance. I believed that maybe I’d be surprised and find myself really enjoying a date despite not being attracted to the person, and that something exciting could happen as a result.

This did not happen.

The way I approach online dating? I don’t just base it off someone’s looks. I only email a max of five times before insisting on a phone conversation to set up a date. I know from the phone conversation whether face-to-face conversation will be weird and stilted or easy and interesting.

Meeting in person allows me to see if there’s attraction or chemistry.

I’ve even gone out on two or three dates with men I’m not attracted to and have zero chemistry with to see if I’m being fair to them or to myself and giving it a chance.

So, to the commenter: you’re just assuming as much about me as you thought I was assuming things about men I’ve met online.

I found myself thinking about this again — and getting angry — when a former co-worker text me on Friday night to say that she wanted to meet up this week because there was a man she wanted to set me up with.

The reason why she thought we’d be “great” together?

We’re both single and we’re both Asian.

In the past, I would have readily agreed to this even though I didn’t want to. Why? Because I wanted to show myself that I was being open-minded and giving this a fair chance.

I’m not doing this anymore.

Running through the number of men I’ve been set up with by friends, family and co-workers and then also adding all the men I’ve met online, I know my mistakes:
1. Forcing myself to go out with people I’m not attracted to because I want to prove that I’m open-minded and then having a bad time as a result.
2. Not having any standards besides telling myself that I do — I actually don’t because I will very often agree to set-ups and being asked out online simply because I feel like I should force myself to get out there…because, as the commenter made me feel, I had nobody to blame but myself for being alone.

The shit thing about commenters who write this kind of stuff is that they’re exactly like every single other well-meaning person in your life who thinks they’re giving you tough love.

They act like they’re experts on your life and like they somehow know better and you should thank them for being so straight up with you. They think things are easy because they’ve never had to struggle with both being single and being depressed. (People who don’t struggle with depression simply don’t understand what it’s like. They think it’s something you can “snap” out of and I know they look down on me because I see a therapist and have had to take meds as a result.)

This kind of stuff pisses me off.

So, if you read this and you think you know more about my life and about me than I do, please keep your opinions to yourself. If what I’ve written disgusts you, then here’s an idea: STOP READING. Why bother to comment? You obviously have zero respect for me and think little of me…so STOP WASTING YOUR TIME AND STOP READING MY BLOG.

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Responses

  1. As a guy in a situation kinda like yours, I often get the same stupid comments and advice.
    It’s funny how there’s so many people out there thinking they have the magic solution to everyone’s problems. They need to get over themselves.

  2. I know what you mean, you can’t force an attraction when there just isn’t one there. Sure it can grow from being a small attraction to being a huge one with some time but if there isn’t any spark to start it’ll crash and burn. I haven’t even tried online dating and I give kudos to everyone that does, I think you’re all brave! And depression can suck your personality down to a point where you don’t find anything interesting or attractive, and you can’t fake it either, I have days where I can’t even put a front that I’m happy. And people don’t like being confronted with that at all.
    Vanessa

  3. It sucks that you get comments like that. It sounds like the commenter has their own issues and is projecting them onto you. Something in your writing triggers feelings in them that they can’t handle well and so they direct the resulting bad feeling back at you.

    I hope I never write blog comments like that, but I must admit that sometimes I can get frustrated if I’m reading about someone who is having a really tough time. I want to be able to help them to get to where they want to be, and if I’m trying to help and it’s not really helping (or if I just can’t think of anything useful to write) then it can feel like I’m not managing to be helpful, which can be frustrating. But hopefully I can avoid directing that at the other person.

  4. The tone of that commenter came from a complete lack of empathy. And the advice given wouldn’t have even been better received coming from a friend or family memeber. Like after all these years of struggling with this internally, you hadn’t thought of this yourself. It’s not for lack of trying, and that counts plenty.

  5. You may already be familiar with this site, but if not, it’s right up your alley.

    http://www.conniewonnie.com/

    😉


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